I ain't even mad, bro.

If you're wondering where all the world's food has gone, wonder no more! I've eaten everything. Sorry. 

Also on the news today, apparently fake blood does not stain contacts permanently after all. I'm very glad to have been the one to make this groundbreaking scientific discovery, even if it does mean that one of my previous hypotheses has thereby been refuted, which is quite shameful. Excuse me while I disembowel myself honourably.

Also also on the news on this eventful day, I've figured out what I want, nay, need to get for my birthday this year. I require a t-shirt that says "If this Lamp is faulty, please call [my phone number]" on the back. Mind you, I'm not particularly optimistic when it comes to calculating the odds of such a kingly gift being bestowed upon me, seeing as I didn't even get that SpongeBob balloon last year.

I might need a minute to sort out my priorities.