THIS IS THE MOMENT ONLY I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR

This, my friends and allies, is why you should not be a prick about Twilight. Because if you are, I WILL WRITE ABOUT IT AND WE'LL ALL FEEL SILLY AFTERWARDS. But unlike the average hater, I’m not going to take this too seriously. We are talking about fiction, people. Calm down.

After months of research, I have created the Twilight-critique generator based on things people have actually said. Let’s give it a go.

O mighty Twilight-critique generator! What say you about Twilight, the series of young adult vampire romance novels, because that's what we're talking about here, in case that was still unclear?

Real vampires don’t sparkle. Also, Stephenie Meyer (mind the spelling, by the way) ruined werewolves and the books are just a long description of her morbid sexual fantasies anyway. ALSO, Bella is a submissive idiot.

Very well then, let’s start at the beginning. Here’s an exhaustive list of a few more things real vampires don’t do:

1. Existing

Oh, wait. That’s all.

Actually, this is where any further explanation should become redundant.

Pictured: a real vampire.

Granted, I can see why Count Dracula is easier to respect than Edward Cullen. The Count was here first, he has a story, and pop culture has been feeding it to us for decades. It's a great story. Scary as hell. Of course Dracula has an army of true believers on his side, and most of them aren't teenage girls. That's dignity right there.

I can only suppose that the problem lies within the fact that Stephenie Meyer took a well-established myth, blasphemed all over it and made an ungodly amount of money (I'm guessing) while she was at it. But she did not erase Nosferatu from the Annals of History, dear fanboys. Go check, I'll search this text for dirty misspellings of the word count while I wait.

See? Still there, as far-fetched and fictitious as ever. We should not have a problem here.

But apparently we do. Apparently, Twilight has ruined werewolves for everyone! What does that even mean? People who can turn into animals should not run around half-naked, looking good and being generally quite amiable? Oh, OK.

If it helps, they're not actually werewolves in the traditional sense of the word, which is something I know, because I have read the books. Note the sarcastic italics. It's funny because it's completely irrelevant.

This is where we get more serious, if only by a fraction. The submissive female thing. Poppycock, I say. And yes, poppycock is a funny word, but that is not my point. My point is that Bella totally kicks ass at the end, which is another little snippet I picked up while I was reading the books. Twilight has revolutionised the Bildungsroman. With vampires!

In conclusion: I support sparkly vampires! I support people who write books that are almost ridiculously addictive, even if it is slightly unhealthy! I support morbid sexual fantasies! I would even support Twilight-haters, if they could just stop taking everything far too seriously.